fellowship

I stand with my head down. They may wonder if I am praying. They may not notice at all. What would you have me do? Why am I here at all? I was excited to come. I didn't even ask if you would have it. It seemed only right that it should be. Here I am. I feel such pressure to seek acceptance. I am accepted in the beloved. Help me to know this, else I will certainly seek my own. Draw me close. Let me see with your eyes. I must tremble before you, that I may see your beauty in these. Thank you for dirty dishes, an opportunity to share. I reminded the four year old that you were alive. It was only after she reminded me that you ever were.

Miracles and Tragedies, All Glory

I wake each day joined to a vessel seeking its own course. The captain reels and staggers. He shakes his fist and shouts into the wind, challenging the gods. Providence lends us favorable conditions, and he boasts great swelling vanities in proportion to the towering waves which had threatened to forever bury us in the depths.

It is your hand LORD that steadies the helm. You strengthen our hearts and add to our days. It is your face that smiles upon us, and in the thick darkness of the storm your countenance hides. You draw some safely into harbor. Others you dash in pieces against the cliffs, scarcely saving us alive. Both will praise you. Your mercy accomplishes this, your zeal for your name, that our trust and fear would not fall upon the wind and waves, lest we in our foolish pride should think to have ruled over them. For your own sake you do this. Your glory you will not give to another.

To Kill a Pharisee, Into The Wilderness: Part 2

Even when I hated and despised you, you came for me. This I did as much as I exalted myself. I had gone as far as Baalam, seeking personal gain from my knowledge of the Holy. Seeking my own honor, to make my name great, I had taken the name of the Lord in vain. I fell away because I had not begun to believe that my Father had secured for me EVERYTHING. I had learned that He was my one source for provision, protection, etc., but I did not know to trust Him to bring about my holiness. I thought, OK, I've surrendered, now He has given me the power to kill sin. So I killed sin, outwardly, and people wondered why I was so arrogant. I studied the scriptures, and grew, and grew in knowledge. I prayed and prayed, and learned to pray holier prayers. I did good deeds, acts of mercy, kindness. I served on and led worship teams. I took all I learned in encountering the Truth through study, prayer, service, and worship, and appropriated its use for the building of my kingdom, for the construction of my own holiness. Then, one summer's day, i asked for the fear of the Lord.

Start Typing

Found this old exercise today. The idea was to just type an idea and hit enter, just to write anything. no edits.


feb 3, 2011 10:31am
notice differences and how they are all one
lead me on a journey of change without conflict but rich in paradox
a seed is a cycle
of bread
or bread is in the cyle of the seed
formed of water on the branch
once fallen and dead it drws its sustenance fromt the earth
still dependent on water
it becomes a magnificent new creature
sometimes bread
why else grow if not to extend the life that the earth and water provide
you spoke in a way that every complex situatoin was summed up in such simple matters.
revealing great complexity in the simplest of things
bearing out the confounding of the wise.
just doing this simple thing means so much!
excitng, scary
inviting/pressuring/constraining
doing all this complicated stuff means so little
and the music of it all
that's what i hear isnt it?
almost everyone's playing in a minor key
but theyve got their sweet melodies all of them
sinister though some
or comical delights in follishness
complete folly, vanity a proudly marched farandole
haven't really been out enough lately to taste the measure of the flow
and what dark, still, stagnant waters have i camped by?

I am with you.

There was a time when debating the validity of Christianity with a non-believer and being criticized for my “blind faith,” I would have argued that my faith was not blind, that we are surrounded with evidence. Truly we are, but that would not be my argument today. Today I would say that accusation does not nearly reach to the faith that I have been blessed with. Today I declare that we have such a great trust in our God that we believe not just blindly, but that we endure all manner of perception and understanding to the contrary, still believing. When our experience is one of great pain and affliction, when our physical suffering, our ragged emotions, our tortured thoughts testify that we are alone, His truth remains; He is with us.

Genesis 26:24
“... Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bless you and will increase the number of your descendants for the sake of my servant Abraham ...”
Genesis 28:15
“I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you…”
Isaiah 41:10
“...So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. ...“
Isaiah 43:2
“... When you pass through the waters, I am with you; when you pass through the streams, they will not overwhelm you.”
Isaiah 43:5
“Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. ...”
Jeremiah 1:8
“Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD. ...”
Jeremiah 1:19
“They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD. ...”
Jeremiah 15:20
“I will make you a wall to this people, a fortified wall of bronze; they will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you to rescue and save ...”
Jeremiah 30:11
“... I am with you and will save you,' declares the LORD. ...”
Jeremiah 42:11
“... whom you now fear. Do not be afraid of him, declares the LORD, for I am with you and will save you and deliver you from his hands. ...”
Jeremiah 46:28
“... Do not be afraid, Jacob my servant, for I am with you," declares the LORD. ...”
Haggai 2:4
“Be strong, all you people of the land,' declares the LORD, 'and work. For I am with you,' declares the LORD Almighty. ...”
Matthew 28:20
“... And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Into the Wilderness: Part 1

Found this journal entry today:

[Jun 23-10]
[11:00am]
[Thinkin of when I was 19 right before I fell away from the Lord. Not that it will happen again, but that the circumstances are similar. Shortly before falling my car broke, I lost my glasses & my employment. Whatever the Lord is taking me thru, His plan hasn't changed.]

At the time of this entry my car had just broken down, I had lost my glasses and my employment. The next month I turned 29, and the following month I walked away from the Lord. In a short time I started smoking cigarettes, then drinking alcohol. Then came smoking marijuana, within minutes snorting cocaine watching porn on a 72" flat screen, and soon after abusing pain meds, snorting heroin, and regularly spending time in a dark fetish club called fallout. Rarely did I have to pay for these destructions, but I would pay. I dissolved into a lifestyle of beer for breakfast and illicit sex. By December I had become falsly convinced I'd contracted a deadly STD. I was a coward who could not face my lovers, and I was struggling to pay rent. The new year came, and I stole money from a good friend of mine, fled Richmond, and sought refuge in Brattleboro, my younger brother's home.

A Mystery in Mark

My daily reading took me to Mark 14 yesterday where something stood out to me. I don't remember ever reading this part of the account before, though I know I've read through Mark. Jesus has been betrayed. His disciples have all just fled. Here we find a brief mention of a young man. "And a young man followed him, with nothing but a linen cloth about his body. And they seized him, but he left the linen cloth and ran away naked."(Mark 14:51-52 ESV) Mark 14 then continues, telling of Jesus being taken before the high priest, nothing more, before or after, about the young man. To me this was mysterious and gave me pause before I continued my reading. I returned to this and another puzzling passage in Exodus later in the evening and read them over, logging them in my journal. As I was wrapping up, I recalled Mark 10 where a man came to Jesus, asking how to inherit eternal life. "And Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, “You lack one thing: go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” Disheartened by the saying, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions."(Mark 10:21-22 ESV) The many times I've read the accounts of the 'rich young ruler' I have always assumed that since he went away disheartened and sorrowful, and Jesus told his disciples how hard it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven, that the young man didn't make it, that he didn't react correctly to Jesus' admonition. Last week when I read this account in Mark 10, what stood out to me was that "Jesus LOVED him, and said..." I believe Jesus loved him and gave him instructions that empowered the young man to obey. I believe that he went away grief stricken because he was torn between the great possessions he had in this world and the life that Jesus offered, but I believe that Jesus love for him prevailed. Jesus' commands to us contain within them the power to carry them out. I think this young man in Mark 14, covered only with a linen cloth, had sold all his possessions and given them to the poor, and had come to follow his master. To me this strengthens Jesus' word to his disciples in Mark 10, "Jesus looked at them and said, “With man it is impossible, but not with God. For all things are possible with God.”"(Mark 10:27 ESV)