My head had just come to rest on the pillow. "tonight your soul will be required of you [in hell]", the voice spoke as terror struck me through. Panicked, i sat at the foot of my bed. "but serve the evil one, and you will live."
"never." "if my soul is reserved for hell and I die tonight, that will be my end, but I will not serve the enemy."
I didn't die that night. The devil is a liar. Never before or since have I heard the voice of the enemy so clearly. It still strikes me as odd, the ploy. I find it difficult to articulate the puzzling nature of this interaction. While the terror and foul foreboding were thoroughly convincing, it still feels like an 'easy A.' Would I betray the King for a little more time knowing my fate was already sealed? No. without question, but the reasoning is both apparent and veiled.
"therefore being justified by faith we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand and rejoice in hope of the glory of God."
20120218
where have I been? the wilderness, part 1
On July 5, 2011 I began to reside at Beekman House, a group home or therapeutic residence for those suffering from a variety of disabling psychiatric disorders. Having been hospitalized multiple times and treated with many different medications, after months of professional care, my doctors have yet to determine a particular diagnosis. I've endured a great deal of psychological discomfort, the chief of which being times of extreme terror during which I could communicate only desperate pleas, fearing that each breath might be my last, urging the necessity that those listening commit their lives to Christ, as emphatic a presentation of the gospel as I expect any of them may have heard or may yet hear.
"do not rejoice over me my enemies: though I have fallen, I will stand up. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light."
"do not rejoice over me my enemies: though I have fallen, I will stand up. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light."
20110615
thru the night
sometimes the stars they don't seem to shine, over me, darkness covers me, and my eyes, they see no light
sometimes the suffering's just too rich for my blood, can't stand up under it, can't understand it, can't stand it
shadows grow long then fade, and goodness will light the dawn, mercy dances on the horizon
warm rays answer merrily chirped morning songs
hold on, hold on thru the night, morning comes
in and out, up and down, thru each day i'm tumblin, but i know that morning comes
restless nights tormented dreams, how can this be? what is happening? storm tossed and worn thin, am i drowning?
shadows grow long then fade, and goodness will light the dawn, mercy dances on the horizon
warm rays answer merrily chirped morning songs
hold on, hold on thru the night, morning comes
still no trace of that new light, but i'm movin thru the night cuz i know: morning comes
let the darkness come, i'll stand fast, stay strong cuz i got nothin to hide when morning comes
I'll make it thru, I have no fear, i can't feel you, but you are near
i have a living hope, one beyond reproach, you light the dawn and dry my tears
shadows grow long then fade, and goodness will light the dawn, mercy dances on the horizon
warm rays answer merrily chirped morning songs
hold on, hold on thru the night, morning comes
hold on, hold on thru the night, morning comes
sometimes the suffering's just too rich for my blood, can't stand up under it, can't understand it, can't stand it
shadows grow long then fade, and goodness will light the dawn, mercy dances on the horizon
warm rays answer merrily chirped morning songs
hold on, hold on thru the night, morning comes
in and out, up and down, thru each day i'm tumblin, but i know that morning comes
restless nights tormented dreams, how can this be? what is happening? storm tossed and worn thin, am i drowning?
shadows grow long then fade, and goodness will light the dawn, mercy dances on the horizon
warm rays answer merrily chirped morning songs
hold on, hold on thru the night, morning comes
still no trace of that new light, but i'm movin thru the night cuz i know: morning comes
let the darkness come, i'll stand fast, stay strong cuz i got nothin to hide when morning comes
I'll make it thru, I have no fear, i can't feel you, but you are near
i have a living hope, one beyond reproach, you light the dawn and dry my tears
shadows grow long then fade, and goodness will light the dawn, mercy dances on the horizon
warm rays answer merrily chirped morning songs
hold on, hold on thru the night, morning comes
hold on, hold on thru the night, morning comes
20110201
whisper
hey you with the bright eyes
always shining them my way
please don't look too closely
cuz I don't what i'll say
when you chase away the shadows
with that fire in your gaze
and reveal all that you've placed on my heart
all i've hidden there
for another day
but
stand a little closer
stay for one just more drink
draw me into your passion
whisper to me
all you feel about anything (x2)
here you are again with flowers in your smile
softly opening to me
as you tell of this and that
your words i will remember
cuz in your voice the oceans swell
the mountains shake
the skies they roar
and we all tremble
we must have more
i must have more
so
stand a little closer
stay for just one more drink
draw me into your passion
whisper to me
all you feel about anything (x2)
if just one look, one gentle smile
can remove all that stands between us
then have your way, have my heart
surround me with your embrace
i won't look away
touch all of you in me
just
stand a little closer
stay for just one more drink
draw me into your passion
whisper to me
all you feel about anything (x4)
stand a little closer
always shining them my way
please don't look too closely
cuz I don't what i'll say
when you chase away the shadows
with that fire in your gaze
and reveal all that you've placed on my heart
all i've hidden there
for another day
but
stand a little closer
stay for one just more drink
draw me into your passion
whisper to me
all you feel about anything (x2)
here you are again with flowers in your smile
softly opening to me
as you tell of this and that
your words i will remember
cuz in your voice the oceans swell
the mountains shake
the skies they roar
and we all tremble
we must have more
i must have more
so
stand a little closer
stay for just one more drink
draw me into your passion
whisper to me
all you feel about anything (x2)
if just one look, one gentle smile
can remove all that stands between us
then have your way, have my heart
surround me with your embrace
i won't look away
touch all of you in me
just
stand a little closer
stay for just one more drink
draw me into your passion
whisper to me
all you feel about anything (x4)
stand a little closer
20110106
uprising of unity
Dug this out from LONG ago!
May the Holy Spirit overshadow you as you read this text, and may you conceive and bear in this season the full anointing and authority of Christ as he leads you.
I am praying for a revolution, an uprising against self, in me, in all of us. When I was three, I accepted Jesus as my savior, but it was not until 17, that I accepted Him as my Lord. At my first act of submission to His rule, He began to show me His government of "the body" and how its substance is of individuals submitted to Christ in unity with each other.
Each of us fights against, or falls without struggle today, to an army fully motivated and mobilized against our becoming alive and battle ready in Christ. Our enemies' most powerful weapon, our selves. Freedom from self you may well know begins with submission to the transforming love of Christ, but the transformation must continue in us until our identity is replaced as one in His body offering His love to the world. Our Father has placed desires, passions, and instincts within each of us for a purpose; the time has come for us to allow the King possession of them.
We struggle so much with self on a personal level because we have forgotten to confess our weaknesses to each other. In this we have forsaken the gathering together. It is time that we link together and begin a global uprising against self, against the work of the enemy. Can the hand say to the foot, "I don't need you." In the same way, can the body continue to function normally as a whole if the majority grows as the hand withers? We cannot continue our attempts to grow and function as individuals. Christ demands now that we realize our interdependence with each other.
The enemy has led us over centuries, millennia to build an entire culture around self. Our instincts to provide have been steered toward provision for self; our instincts to protect have been geared toward protecting self. We have fallen into loving, nurturing, bettering, forgiving, comforting, and encouraging SELF!! We have fought at any cost for our SELVES to win, to succeed, to grow, to strengthen, and to overcome. Dying to self is not forcing those hard wired passions and instincts into the grave; that is impossible. Our father gifted us with these passions; your passions are His beautiful creation.
Dying to self is becoming aware that many if not all of your passions and instincts have been perverted, directed at your own well being, then choosing under Christ's rule to direct them instead at the well being of the body of Christ and the lost. God has not called for the elimination of our desires, but removal of ourselves from the throne that they bow to.
Our passions have a purpose, one that remains unsatisfied as long as we waste them on our selves. We have failed to see this; as individuals we have tried to stifle an eternal flame of passions that burn within us. These flames must instead be channeled properly, then fueled and fanned so that they grow into a raging fire. We need to be consumed with loving, nurturing, bettering, forgiving, comforting, and encouraging the body of Christ and the captives of the world.
Let us be driven by our desire for each other to win, to succeed, to grow, to strengthen, and to overcome. We can no longer be closed off from one another. We can no longer be separate from each other living quiet lives of discontent and misery. We must confess our faults and weaknesses to our father and to each other. Doing so not only allows us to be admonished, accountable, forgiven, and strengthened for the fight, but also allows our brothers and sisters to live out His love in their passions for healing, for strengthening and nurturing, teaching and admonishing, forgiving and loving.
I know the excitement that you have felt, His fire, the zeal for His house. When we are joined together, strengthening and encouraging one another, seeking to provide for each other, seeking to protect each other, the losses will be so small, the victories great and inevitable.
May the Holy Spirit overshadow you as you read this text, and may you conceive and bear in this season the full anointing and authority of Christ as he leads you.
I am praying for a revolution, an uprising against self, in me, in all of us. When I was three, I accepted Jesus as my savior, but it was not until 17, that I accepted Him as my Lord. At my first act of submission to His rule, He began to show me His government of "the body" and how its substance is of individuals submitted to Christ in unity with each other.
Each of us fights against, or falls without struggle today, to an army fully motivated and mobilized against our becoming alive and battle ready in Christ. Our enemies' most powerful weapon, our selves. Freedom from self you may well know begins with submission to the transforming love of Christ, but the transformation must continue in us until our identity is replaced as one in His body offering His love to the world. Our Father has placed desires, passions, and instincts within each of us for a purpose; the time has come for us to allow the King possession of them.
We struggle so much with self on a personal level because we have forgotten to confess our weaknesses to each other. In this we have forsaken the gathering together. It is time that we link together and begin a global uprising against self, against the work of the enemy. Can the hand say to the foot, "I don't need you." In the same way, can the body continue to function normally as a whole if the majority grows as the hand withers? We cannot continue our attempts to grow and function as individuals. Christ demands now that we realize our interdependence with each other.
The enemy has led us over centuries, millennia to build an entire culture around self. Our instincts to provide have been steered toward provision for self; our instincts to protect have been geared toward protecting self. We have fallen into loving, nurturing, bettering, forgiving, comforting, and encouraging SELF!! We have fought at any cost for our SELVES to win, to succeed, to grow, to strengthen, and to overcome. Dying to self is not forcing those hard wired passions and instincts into the grave; that is impossible. Our father gifted us with these passions; your passions are His beautiful creation.
Dying to self is becoming aware that many if not all of your passions and instincts have been perverted, directed at your own well being, then choosing under Christ's rule to direct them instead at the well being of the body of Christ and the lost. God has not called for the elimination of our desires, but removal of ourselves from the throne that they bow to.
Our passions have a purpose, one that remains unsatisfied as long as we waste them on our selves. We have failed to see this; as individuals we have tried to stifle an eternal flame of passions that burn within us. These flames must instead be channeled properly, then fueled and fanned so that they grow into a raging fire. We need to be consumed with loving, nurturing, bettering, forgiving, comforting, and encouraging the body of Christ and the captives of the world.
Let us be driven by our desire for each other to win, to succeed, to grow, to strengthen, and to overcome. We can no longer be closed off from one another. We can no longer be separate from each other living quiet lives of discontent and misery. We must confess our faults and weaknesses to our father and to each other. Doing so not only allows us to be admonished, accountable, forgiven, and strengthened for the fight, but also allows our brothers and sisters to live out His love in their passions for healing, for strengthening and nurturing, teaching and admonishing, forgiving and loving.
I know the excitement that you have felt, His fire, the zeal for His house. When we are joined together, strengthening and encouraging one another, seeking to provide for each other, seeking to protect each other, the losses will be so small, the victories great and inevitable.
20100910
the walk
I walked to breakfast this morning.
The clothes I wore were not enough against the cool September breeze.
I carefully adjusted my route as I continued toward my destination, seeking out the paths which would keep me warmed, bathed in sunlight.
If I desire to be in the Light, I must observe my surroundings and choose those paths of light, that my love not grow cold.
The clothes I wore were not enough against the cool September breeze.
I carefully adjusted my route as I continued toward my destination, seeking out the paths which would keep me warmed, bathed in sunlight.
If I desire to be in the Light, I must observe my surroundings and choose those paths of light, that my love not grow cold.
20100810
the redemptive power of joy
"forgive them, for they know not what they do." This is mercy, that He received His breaking with thanks and wept not for His own suffering, but for ours, calling out for our forgiveness. Now born from above, alive in His love we expect His glory in our suffering, knowing, experiencing the redemptive power of joy eternal. We have no fear of ANY personal loss, even to death. Our life is in Him who was raised.
This imperishable inheritance is our true nature in Christ, we are His word. We've been raised to disregard entirely our earthly persons, embracing instead our life: His word of truth, of power, of love that reveals our souls as radiant jewels.
His faithfulness is our shield, and His sword our faithfulness. We count the destruction of our flesh, with all of its false hopes, as His faithfulness to His word, to His love, to us. This travail gives birth to our new life in Him, freeing us from the darkened nature of this womb of flesh. It's His blood that spills from our wounds, His spirit, His life that endures to resurrection.
He has chosen us to reveal His praise, glory, and honor, His death and resurrection. He has chosen to put His life in us and rend the veil of flesh that covers it, giving passage of His light into this world of darkness from which He has borne us.
That's what 1 Peter 1:3-7 says to me. Explanations upon request. ;)
p.s. I stole this topic from a friend: http://jenniferling.wordpress.com/2010/08/05/kept-in-heaven/
This imperishable inheritance is our true nature in Christ, we are His word. We've been raised to disregard entirely our earthly persons, embracing instead our life: His word of truth, of power, of love that reveals our souls as radiant jewels.
His faithfulness is our shield, and His sword our faithfulness. We count the destruction of our flesh, with all of its false hopes, as His faithfulness to His word, to His love, to us. This travail gives birth to our new life in Him, freeing us from the darkened nature of this womb of flesh. It's His blood that spills from our wounds, His spirit, His life that endures to resurrection.
He has chosen us to reveal His praise, glory, and honor, His death and resurrection. He has chosen to put His life in us and rend the veil of flesh that covers it, giving passage of His light into this world of darkness from which He has borne us.
That's what 1 Peter 1:3-7 says to me. Explanations upon request. ;)
p.s. I stole this topic from a friend: http://jenniferling.wordpress.com/2010/08/05/kept-in-heaven/
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